Paper is worthless, gold is precious.

k, I got an email from LJ letting me know that my paid account, that I don't use (or utilize the features of,) is to expire in 10 days. Now I know that I can go ahead and continue to use my LJ without rebuying the paid account, but this makes me wonder: Why the fuck I don't use my LJ at all anymore?!?

My login page told me it has been 81 weeks since my last update. An entry in which I speculated that Counter Cosby could pull off performing Black Sabbath's Paranoid for Halloween. And yeas, we could and did. It was a great time, one of my favourite nights of the last few years. Since then we've had our first 'tour,' recorded new material to be released on a split 7" with local grind-core punk fueled Texas Prison Rodeo, and played our first festival, DirtFest, with all-access passes and everything.

I've buzzed off all of my long hair. I now sport a handlebar moustache and a bushy beard. I'm still irrevocably obsessed with effect pedals and am slowing down, but still buy on occasion.

I've recently been set loose from an 8 month relationship that was pretty much just a glorified friendship the whole time. And I, true to nature, am not nearly over it. Knowing full well that it would never go the way I expect, but oh, how glorious it would be if it did!!! How she is exactly what and who I want if she wasn't such a downer all the time!! How our relationship would have been the best ever if she could just let it happen, and quit being such a turd all the time.

But I digress... These are all lessons, and I must pay attention more.

So, I'm pretty geeked, and think that it's totally doable, to learn and perform Black Sabbath's Paranoid (full album) by Holloween. I want it BABY, YEAH!!!!!

I'm sitting at the Food Hole, following breakfast at Big Boy and the beloved Team Meating beforehand. Killing time, I figure that when you got a 2hr break at work it's not worth going home. Oh how I miss home. I want my mommy!

Henry has been at the last two Meetings, and it makes paying attention somewhat difficult. I just wish I could understand what the hell he's saying. 2&1/2 doesn't seem to be a very coherent age. Yeah.

What else? OH, nothin' I guess.

About Thanksgiving;

[puke7] well, my parents are picking me up around 10am
[AROtotheN] well, who nixxed practice for whom, then?!
[puke7] you did, bitch
[puke7] you spoiled the beans first
[puke7] i;m sorry
[puke7] that was harccsh
[puke7] man
[puke7] screwed duded
[AROtotheN] coup de gras, brah!!!
[puke7] did you have to look up how to spell that
[puke7] because i hadn't a clue!
[AROtotheN] well I thought, coup, as in military coup and mardi gras
[puke7] good abstractions!!

I'm getting really good at using my brain for good, though I still get horribly obsessed in my myriad of negative lamentations. I wanted something but couldn't have it. OK babyboy, get over it. Obsessing causes imbalance of the lymphatic systems and other such ailments. I'm intuitive enough to have understood that this girl wasn't the one I was looking for as early as my birthday. Ego steps in, "I want this anyway. I don't care if it isn't correct, this is status!! This is the onlookers understanding how great I am." And other such nonsenses.


I've been getting my Sappy-Time EP ready for when firteenrecords.net becomes usable. And as the name suggests, it has some sappy tunes on it. I learned a good deal from beninem about noise reduction and mastering while we were making Don't Don;t Don!t, so I decided to remaster these songs from ye olde 4-track dayes. Looking back on it I was a pretty competent song-writer, an above-par lyricist, and a mere adequate singer. I got away from writing songs about my feelings due to lack of interest from my bandmates and the contentment I derived from dating helen_maple. And now, like 8 or 9 years later I'm releasing a "retrospective" of my early works remastered. What a old fuckin fogey!!! "Get back to playin outta all yer antique crap, grandpa!!"

Here, I made a 13-point, 13-line; 13-gon for firteen. R U proud O I?! XD lol!

I just found out that the distortion pedal in which I rely so heavily upon for my Award-Winning tone has been discontinued. Not that I need to get it replaced, but what if I did? I found the same vintage amp that I play out of on ebay and bought it up, because I rely heavily on that for my tone as well. When you play out of an amplifier that was built ~40 years ago having a backup is never a bad idea.

Wednesday night was a fun time as far as I remember, the WFM Team Member Appreciation Party was held at Colonial Lanes close to where me_langel lives. I drank alot, which I believe was the beginning of my troubles, trouble that would not come to a head until I had made it home safely and decided to ride my bike to the Miller/Ann House to see if any one was hanging out.




I must have got too much speed down the driveway, got about 50ft down the road and flipped off the front onto my face. Apparently found by a neighbor who called 911 for me. I blacked out, totally, first thing I remember was getting picked up by the ambulance. I didn't peice together my recollection of the events until I was lying in the hospital with a cone around my neck and a catheter in my dick because I wasn't able to piss for them when they needed a sample. Talk about possible surgery to fix my fractured cheekbone sent me into a panic attack. Pain was low level for the most part, only requiring tylenol to keep me happy, and not even given a perscription for pain once I was released.




Once in my room my good friend and roommate nairb_foo came to visit me, sitting with me for a few hours I think, I fell asleep while he was there, and when he left he actually went home to get me my charger for my cellphone and headphones for my mp3 player. What a swell guy, especially since I'm so swollen, I think that's why we're such great pals. Heh. When the guy from facial surgery came around he told me that I should set up an appointment to see them in clinic in a week (once the swelling is down) and we can discuss my options. He said that since I had no interference with motion in my jaw, that surgery would be a merely cosmetic choice, and I really don't think I'm going to go for it.

The worst part about this is that there is one scene to film of Prince Ass, and it actually happens after he gets his ass beat and runs away crying, so having a busted looking face may actually be good for that shot. Talk about getting into character!!! But I'm still happy all in all;

I still want her, and another.
Not right for one, I'm afraid,
yet nowhere near achieving either.
Longing won't dissipate with a smile;
Hunger the accumulation of all-the-while.
Not content with being equivalent to a brother.

This frame is from the latest Asshole Drunkard test we completed yesterday. Drew is excited to be onboard, and his knowledge will really help the physical aspect of the narrative tale. I just am left with this thought; GodDamn, I'm pretty....

I have been feeling a bit narcissistic in recent days. I realized my technique to run two miles a day and not hurt my knees. I even wore my tightest clean shirt today on the occasion that I felt genuinely attractive, and I wanted to share that with the people around me. Dropping insecurities for such an immense elevation in confidence seems odd, alien even to me, but I am accepting. I am beautiful, deserving of praise and adoration, and I am no longer afraid of success.

Funny thing about success and happiness, I watched a documentary called The Secret: Law of Attraction, essentially about how we all have the ablity to shape our lives using positive thoughts and feelings to achieve OUR WILDEST DREAMS!!!! I understand that our thoughts and feelings do shape our lives to a certain degree. But to fucking sit there and say that it can give everyone all of their dreams every time just by eliminalting negative thought is preposterous. Cut out critical thinking, and everything will be perfect. Where have we heard this before?

I encourage everyone to watch this, and you'll notice that all of the "expert" speakers they have are pretty much leeches to society, making their money off of those longing for spiritual and monetary answers; metaphysicians? plilosophers? feng shui consultants? visionaries? entrepreneurs? that last one really gets me. What the fuck does an 'entrepreneur' do?

And of course this all won't work like they say, so you'll need to dig deeper into their web of deceit, shilling out whatever remains of your savings and dignity searching in vain for this elusive 'answer' that you can't seem to figure out. Oh, you know the secret already, it's that you're at the helm of your own life. That everything that happens to you is according to your own design. Well here's a conundrum for you newage fucks who buy this crap; The child that's molested, raped, and then killed, in cold blood, asked? by some fault of their own? nay, demanded of the universe to set out a path for them to be brutally handled by the sickest of our society?

Great, thanks assfucks. Now let's buy some DVDs and some 'life affirmation coaching!' Cause I sure ass fuck can't wait to get everything out of life that my little heart desires!!!!!!! FUCK YEAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

So there had been a few things that I had forgot to mention in my last post, starting with my anxiety attack on my birthday. I had been given the day off just out of coincedence, and was nursing a slight hangover. I finally got myself around and ready to go to my mom's at around 5pm. Forgetting that 94 is under construction I got stuck in gridlock from just before the AnnArbor/Saline Rd exit and finally decided to get off at State St 35 minutes later.

Annoyed now at the realization that all outgoing traffic at 5:35 is slow as hell due to Ann Arbor roads being ill-equipped to handle the onslaught of vehicles. I trudged along Eisenhauer until it became Packard and then Cross. Now I thought I knew how to navigate downtown Ypsi well enough to get myself on 94 past the contruction and finally to Monroe to spend time on my birthday with my mom and sisters (and niece!) but managed to get myself going in the wrong direction on Huron. Now I didn't realize I was headed down the wrong direction until I had gone further out of my way than I was comfortable with.

I started to get really upset and had trouble breathing. My arms began to vibrate intensely and soon my hands were clenching up. I hadn't had anything to eat, so that panic attack really was getting to best of me. Long story short, I find 94 and settle down, as I am on my way.

I ended up having a good time.

What else have I done? Well, I fixed both my wah and distortion pedals by myself. Both came to need new switches and I bought them and a soldering iron and went to towne. This project was pretty frustrating at times, but rewarding. I just need to learn to embrace obstactles and keep my cool and not get frustrated so easily.

Oh yeah, and right now I'm updating my LJ on Langel's new VAIO laptop!!! I is SUPA jealous!!!!!!!

It's taking me so long to collect my thoughts that I keep putting off writing to my LJ; But that's what's wrong with me, and I'm beginning to understand that. I was reading the introduction to Siddhartha today and my mind began to trail off as it does whilst reading, and I had the thought, "Marginalized society makes it more difficult for genius to shine." I started to cry for a second, because that's what's wrong with me. I wallow, I buy into this notion that maybe what I do creatively doesn't matter, as if pleasing myself creatively isn't as rewarding unless I'm being watched. That's ridiculous.

And don't tell me I need to get Christ in my life. I believe in creation and an ultimate consciousness, I just fail to see it as a 'personal consciousness' that knows me and scrutinizes my every move. The creative process is, to me, a great way to maintain equilibrium. So why do I shy away and opt for sloth so often? Why do I put unrealistic emotional worth on unattainable physical goals; i.e. girls with boyfriends.

Yes, I have an admitted problem with this. Why I should want to emotionally poison myself is quite baffling. And yet I've been conditioned to think that stealing your love from another is an OK thing to do. Paula came to be with me from that very scenario; television and movies agree: YOU CAN DO IT! YOU'RE BETTER THAN HER GUY, GO GETTER!!!! Compelling, eh?

That also plays into my power struggle to assert my dominance. I'm a little dude with alot to prove, at times, and other times I'm just a playful, unassuming, docile creature. Am I bi-polar? Nah, just a little off-balance. I think that I've gotten so good at certain things because of my urge to assert myself as a powerful person. Drawing, then Guitar, now Acting. But why chase such power when really, at my very core, I'm afraid of what I might do with such power? To harbour this juvenile resentment of reality, to actively seek out activities that go against my best interests! I'm brighter than all of these childish mind games I subconsciously play on myself. Talking 'bout, "wishin I was able to be more mature about my feelings." Bitch shut the fuck up and deal.

I learned how to play euchre after 27 years of Michigan livin. The party at Ike & conbio's was alot of fun actually, I learned just before our little tourney started and played 56 hands. I came up second to last points-wise. After that O'Neill, Chad, Tuchini (sp?), and I rode bikes up to Joint House to see me_langel's set and to party hearty. Some ass mouthing off to everyone got his ass kicked on the roof, apparently someone chucked a bottle off of the roof and it broke his windshield. Dude was in everyone's face for a while and even left the roof but came back and my neighbor Lerch took him out. Good times.

Practice was pretty cool. We finally got the interlude written for our new song. me_langel had to dj the punkprom so I dropped him off there and left right away. I don't do well around the punks for some reason. I think it's because they are stereotypically "supposed" to be anti-social, but aren't; and I'm far more anti-social than I should be.

Also nairb_foo promised to relinquish my drafting table so I could get it set up and start to work on:





14 years in the making!!!

Well I managed to keep it a secret until Olivia opened her present from me. I even kept it as a surprise from my family, that's why I hadn't put anything about it in my LJ. Olivia really liked it, so it was a success. She even had us watch it twice in a row, and being that it's only 9min long, two viewings don't take too long. Not only did Olivia like it, but everyone seemed to enjoy it alot and said things like I should get it seen by people who could give me a job being creative. Resumé.

Courntey had to go home and get her DVD player in order for us to watch it. Courtney and Kendra both moved out and they were the only ones who had working DVD or VHS player. So that was super cool, I even brought both DVD and VHS of it to make sure she could see it, but that didn't matter. Heh.

Shit dude, my fuckin comp died today. I think that the power supply is dead. It won't turn on at all, I walked into my room to find the monitor pitch black with the power light blinking. I don't have time to fuck with it right now before work but I hope that all that's wrong with it is that it needs a new power supply. Fuck. At least I still have ThatSchnicta.

"Headlined" two non-paying gigs these past two days. Good times I guess. Cal Cokblo of 89x is a real winner. Fuck that guy. Whatever. I'm off...

Bleh!; I'm off of work tonight and tired now; I woke up today at 11am after sleeping for something like 13 hours. I should have gotten up earlier and exersized, as I worked from 1:30 to 10:00; I had things to do before and now it's just too late. I also skipped yesterday and the day before because of the show on Wednesday and I had the day off yesterday but filmed with Brewer for alot and then was too tired.

I'm shitty at this being fit business.

I did however finish my costume for Langel's "Asshole Drunkard," and wore it to the show on Wednesday. My sisters were impressed, and both tried to convince me to make them one. But trying to figure out how to make a shirt from just tracing one, and studying how it's put together is frustrating. I'm suprised that it turned out at all, and well, it does hang a bit off, but it looks cool.

damn. I don't feel like doing this anymore. bleahg.....

There seems to be a prevailing idea on what the Star War Hexology is really all about. I've heard it a few times, not only from the filthy mouth of Lucas, but on a special about Star Wars a British Actress had said it too.

Apparently when watching the Original Trilogy everyone thinks it's a story about Luke, but when we take into account the Hexology in its entirety one actually comes to realize that the entire fucking story is all about Anakins whiny-ass becoming a DarkLOrD; Luke is merely a secondary character in this whole mess and is only present as the vehicle to redeem Anakin and turn him back to the light. Forget about two decades of the most horrendous acts against sovereignty and justice; this deepseeded bottomless pit of evil deeds and the source of countless galactic suffering; who, I'm not sure was ever a good person trying to do the right thing in the first place.

It all seems too easy, merely cut the strings; Darth Vader must have been a puppet of the Emperor, someone tell this little bitch about freewill and responsibility. "I'm not a slave, I'm a person, and my name is Anakin." easily might have become, "I'm not a Dark Sith, I'm a puppet, and my name is Darth Vader." Where is the story about paying for your wrongs? Where is Galactic Justice when Darth Vader can just get off the hook for killing the leader. All that does is play into this popular belief that no matter what wrongs you commit in this life all you have to do is feel sorry about it, apologize; not even to those you've wronged, but to God; and responsibility is absolved. Repentance, in no amount should have saved Anakin from the torment that should have been waiting for him in the afterlife.

And I feel like my entire point in this all is moot, for/ Why the fuck would anyone think that the story was ALL about Luke to begin with? I always thought that the Star Wars movies relied on an ensemble cast to tell a complex story about good vs evil and one's own choice to do good and bad, and the consequence of turning to a life of darkness. Well, until Jedi, where we see responsibility shirked, an angelic grace returned to the most wretched of slime the galaxy had to offer.

"there's still good in him..."

Funny, I was under the impression that there wasn't any good in him to begin with.

Trying to be extroverted when I'm clearly an introvert is hurting. And I'm not even being more extroverted anywhere but online. I've updated my LiveJournal more times this week than I have all year thus far. Although at work I am very outgoing and expressive, but it's a controlled environment. I get home and all of a sudden I'm cut off, no human contact. O'Neill is at work typically and I'm all alone. And the dog doesn't count.

I feel like a complete mess; emotionally unsatisfied but not really sure what I want. I'm speaking about all of it, not just relationships with females. I feel like a hack, always trying to sneek in through the backdoor. Tripping on saturday made me realize what a hack I am. My ideas are better than than alot of professionals, my ability is for the most part on a par with, or greater than most of them. But I'm afraid that no one will listen to a hack, watch a hack, read a hack, love a hack, want a hack around, or want to be around a hack. I hate the idea of becoming a professional, but if I want to entertain people to any extent like I think I should be doing should I have to surrender?

Working on bettering myself is such an excersize; I've been afraid of it for years now because I realize what it entails. As though I'm opening a pandora's box of personal shit that I need to deal with. I became comfortable numbing myself, blaiming external sources for all of my discomforts. Blaiming my parents for never warning me that love doesn't last. Blaiming myself for not learning. I'm tired of keeping myself safe. I'm sick of being emotionally comatose.

I'm ready.

i;m getting better...

Comicbooks have been such an important part of my creative developement that I cannot simply get them out of my system. Quite frankly, I don't like them too much. I still go into the shop from time to time hoping that something will light up inside me, sparking a revival in interest into the graphic medium which caused me to want to draw in the first place. Well it never happens. I even closed the gap today on the only title I've cared much about in recent history: Image's 'Ministry of Space.' I just acquired issue #3 of 3, and it had been a long time coming, issues 1 and 2 where released over a year ago.

I have yet to read it, and I'm a bit hessitant to. I'm not sure if when I'm through reading it my passion for the medium will vanish with the last word on the page. I still care about comix to an extent, and that is in that I want to produce them. But what of an artist who has no compassion for the medium he's adding to? Am I a fraud for wanting to produce comix when I am on the verge of having absolutely no respect for them? Or do I care? I don't know, I'm just thinking out here, so I don't think so. If I hold true to what I believe constitutes a good story, then it'll be of very little concern how I view other titles. I have made up my mind. To hell with comicbooks.

And on another note. Burning a shitload of DVD-Rs to make space finally for much needed editing of B4T, funny how much work is involved sometimes just to lead up to being productive. Or maybe I should realize that preparation is a part of the productivity process. Derr?!>1?

I'm feeling about 97% abismal right now. I got enough sleep, I've been drinking enough water, and I've been in the last couple of weeks getting about 500% more exercise, due to the all-of-a-sudden lack of a ride. So I don't know what my fucking problem is. Am I just this way? I thought that taking care of yourself would lead to feeling better, but how long does it take? This is fucking discouraging, to say the least. It's 2:30pm and I just feel beat.

It may be due to psychological reasons I feel so low. I felt recently that I have no real connections with anyone outside of our creative realm, and even those connections are a bit fucked considering how everyone's scheduales prevent us from hanging out much of the time. I have pretty good connection with my family, but since I have been without a car I can't go to see them. I feel so little and lost, fuck/

See and now I don't even want to contiue typing this update, man, fuck I am so fucked. What a fucking waste.